October 15th, 2018, 19 days since my last Cheez-It. The crunch, the taste of salt on my lips, the cheez, the delicious cheez... it haunts me. I'd estimate that 15 percent of my brain activity has been dedicated to talking myself out of eating Cheez-Its. Imagine all the world problems I could have solved if Cheez-Its were never invented. I know people talk about having a favorite snack, but I would move mountains for a box of Cheez-Its. The only thing that will stop me from consuming an entire box is dumping them in the trash and aggressively squirting dish soap all over every last one of them. A single tear rolling down my face as I whisper "I'm sorry Cheez-Its, it's better for both of us this way."
For years I've managed to stay away from them, but sometimes a girl just wants to be bad. Bad for Cheez-Its. And boy was I bad this summer. Sweet, sweet Cheez-It bliss. I'm typically an original or white cheddar flavor gal, but I recently found a new flavor I highly recommend: pepper jack! My favorite snack in a spicy flavor? Yes please. I don't want to say it was life altering, but priorities shifted, planets realigned. Side note: I just googled "Cheez-It flavors" and, lord, there's a whole world out there just waiting for me to discover it.
For those of you who aren't up on your Cheez-It history, Cheez-It crackers were introduced in 1921 in Dayton, Ohio, and were marketed using the tagline "A Baked Rarebit." A baked rarebit indeed, my friends. But, really, what the hell is it about these stupid cheese crackers that is so good? Is it the flavor? I wholeheartedly believe the Cheez-It creators (may they rest in peace) truly mastered the art of fake cheese making. I mean, move over Cheetos, you're not even in the same room. Doritos? Meh. Cheese Puffs? Second fiddle to the baked rarebit. The secret to the Cheez-It could lie in its crunch? They've got a nice snap to them. Or is it because they're baked? They don't have that greasy haven't showered in a couple days feel of a Better Cheddar. I really don't know what the secret is behind Cheez-It deliciousness, but whatever it is it's working.
More importantly, though, who are these people living among us that are immune to the power of the Cheez-It? My guess is that they're probably all sociopaths and they're definitely hanging out with people who say things like "I'm just not a dessert person." The bottom line is, Cheez-Its are the fucking best and if you don't like them you're definitely a psycho killer. The secret to controlling oneself around these tasty morsels is a mystery I hope to never solve. Never change, Cheez-Its. Never change.