I'd guess that from the age of three to 18, we spent about 85 percent of our time together. We were very different then, but we were inseparable. Britney was much more studious, organized, and put together. I was chubbier, bossier, and more apt to get us into trouble.
As we hit our teens those descriptions were still somewhat accurate with the exception being that Britney got hot and I was still deep in my awkward phase, so during those years, Britney took over as trouble maker.
#1 When we first met and Britney convinced me to trade her my jump rope for her small shitty shovel. Britney was always a lot smarter than me, and often negotiated trades that were not to my benefit, while making me think I was getting the better end of the deal.
#2 When Britney was all "hey lets dissect this pig and learn Latin" and I was like "Ummm is it snack time yet? I'm hungry."
#3 When we tried to make our cats best friends too by stealing Britney's cat from her house and locking it in a room with my cat.
#4 When Britney's mom would threaten to beat us with a wooden spoon when we were bad, but we knew she never would. "Don't make me get my wooden spoon!"
#5 When my dad would time how fast we could set up a tent in the living room and we took it very, very seriously.
#6 When my dad would make us walk up Basin Road alone at the age of eight, before we could have another piece of cake.
#7 When we'd hang our butts out the window and pee from the second story of my house because we were too lazy to go the bathroom downstairs. Sorry mom.
#8 When I would dig holes in the small wooded area of Chicken Yard and go number 2 and Rachael Peterson told on me and my mom made me go dig it up (!) and Britney helped me. Again, sorry mom.
#9 When I dressed as a witch and Britney dressed as a ghost literally every year of Halloween for our entire childhood.
#10 When Britney hooked me up with a job cleaning rooms at a bed and breakfast, when we were 10 years old and we got paid $4.25/hr and it was probably illegal, and we often had to discard used condoms, but we made up for it by eating the guest's leftovers.
#11 When it was agreed upon that my house had way better snacks -- especially after Costco opened, we're talking gushers, beef jerky, dips bars, you name it we had it -- while Britney's house had weird healthy green shakes and rice crackers.
#12 When Britney was home-schooled and tried to tell me in 6th grade that bright yellow sweatpants and turtlenecks paired with Birkenstocks was a cool look. In her defense, I was rocking pipe jeans at that time, so I wasn't doing much better.
#13 When Britney bought board shorts in 7th grade and I thought "Oh shit Britney isn't going to be home-schooled much longer..."
#14 When Britney came into her own in 8th grade and gave us all a tutorial on how to booty dance and made us practice in front of a mirror and corrected our form.
#15 When a friend in middle school had a melt down because Britney and I were too good of friends (we may have possibly been leaving this friend out a little) and my response was that that friend should "maybe think about getting therapy" and Britney was like "uh yeah, I agree with Lynn." We were 13.
#16 When I accused Britney of stealing Jake out from under me (now her husband) when she asked him to the 8th grade dance and she suggested I go with Sungie because he was "more my height."
#17 When I broke my ankle and got the cast off and Britney dutifully shaved my leg for me.
#18 When Britney stopped our sled on a rock with her ass on Death Hill and broke her tailbone and for a moment I thought she was paralyzed and frantically yelled "MOVE YOUR LEGS BRITNEY, MOVE YOUR LEGS!" And she said, "I'm fine Lynn, calm down, I just peed my pants though."
#19 When Britney made elaborate pencil drawings of naked men with erections our freshmen year of high school and we put them in the popular basketball players lockers. "WHO THE FUCK KEEPS PUTTING THIS SHIT IN MY LOCKER?"
#20 When Britney's sister bought us giant big pink dildos when we were 16 and we pretended like we were totally cool with it -- and I was like "yeah this totally looks fun, I'm totally not a virgin."
#21 When I got jaw surgery and everyone lied and told me I didn't look that bad, and Britney came over to the house to see me and I walked around a corner and she literally jumped back in fear and told me I looked like a monkey. Spoken like a true friend.
#22 When I had asked every single friend to go on a bike trip with me from Bellingham to Spokane and every one said no and as a last ditch effort I called up Britney, who had never done any substantial biking, and she said "sure, why not?" And then she accidentally bought a racing bike instead of a touring bike on Ebay and everything that could go wrong went wrong, including her feet being too big for the bike causing the back of her foot to hit her panniers every time she peddled, but she did the whole 360 mile trip and only had one-bike-throwing-down meltdown.
#23 When I visited Britney in college in California and she took me to her hairstylist and we got our hair done the same way and her stylist told me I went from a "6 to at least an 8" and I didn't know what that meant and Britney had to explain it to me.
#24 When Britney was getting ready to get married and her wedding dress was too small for her chest because she had gotten a great deal on it that she couldn't pass up, and we couldn't get the thing zipped up and she kept telling everyone she just had to "rest into it" and none of us knew what that meant but she kept saying it anyway and we were all starting to panic and Britney's mom yelled "Let Lynn zip it up, she's strong and has tiny hands!" and we got Britney into that dress.
#25 When Britney moved back to Juneau ahead of her husband and we were both in weird places and she slept on a twin bed on my floor for 4 months.
#26 When I went out the night before Thanksgiving and woke up with the worst hangover of my life and Britney offered to come over and give me a B vitamin shot in my butt, and I said yes ok, and she did it.
#27 When Britney moved into her current house in Juneau and needed help removing a cabinet in the kitchen and we thought we were strong enough to take it down and midway through realized it was solid oak, but still convinced ourselves we were strong enough and the thing started to tip over and was about to crush me and Britney got a burst of strength and threw the cabinet over my head and saved me with what I can only describe as the kind of super human strength a mother gets when something is threatening to crush her child.
Cheers to 27 years Britney! Love you!